Have you ever had a come-upance? That’s where someone calls you on your “stuff” and you have to acknowledge they are right. Then you are faced with either dealing with your “stuff”, or ignoring it.
That happened to me today.
My daughter gave me a come-upance on my blogging during and following the move. Essentially, she said I had shirked my responsibility to be real with my readers during a very difficult time.
She was right.
I used the excuse of not having internet to not sit down and share what I was going through. Well, that ends right here. And I apologize. I will never leave you out of what is happening ever again. I have a responsibility to be open and honest if you are to ever really trust me.
Time To Tell The Truth
In reality I think I didn’t write because I was struggling so hard trying to keep it together. I couldn’t write. It would have been too painful. I would have actually had to look at my situation rather than just try to survive it.
I was a wreck.
I thought I covered it up pretty well, but I was drowning. I did in two weeks what should have taken me a month. Then every weekend I was driving back trying to finish in two days what should have taken two weeks. I would rush home, work myself literally to tears, and bloody fingers, then drive back to Cortez so I could be at work Monday morning all smiles, cool, calm, and collected. Trying to make a good impression and let them know the job was important to me.
But it was all a front. Inside I was falling totally apart. I didn’t want to seem weak. But in reality I have never been more afraid or weaker. I felt totally lost. Still do. I left every scrap of security I have fought my entire life for, threw it to the wind, jumped in my truck and drove away to live in a rented house, and work for total strangers, at a job I didn’t know if I could do.
Talk about losing your base. I had nothing. And frankly, there are still times where I feel like I will never have the wind back in my sails. And I swear I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being totally, utterly, honest.
Responsibility to Be Brutally Honest
After writing those previous words, now I know for certain the reason I couldn’t write this before. I’m crying like a baby as I write it, now. I can only imagine what a wreck I would have been if I would have tried to write it while I was floundering so badly. As I look at it now all I see are “I’s” and I feel like I’m whining. I don’t whine, I don’t complain, I shoulder into whatever the situation is and go do what needs to be done.
Weak isn’t either.
But in the past three months I’ve been both, many times. Most times.
Heck, I am right now.
I’m as vulnerable as I ever get. I’m spilling my guts to you. Writing my heartache on a sheet of white paper for your review, reflection, and comments. And frankly that terrifies me as well. I know I have to reestablish your trust in me. But I’m terrified I won’t be able to win you back.
If I have no readers, then I truly have nothing to say that really matters.
That is terrifying.
So there you have it.
I have no ideas or suggestions today. No witty words. No novel thoughts. I only have raw, open truth.
Responsibility to Rebuild
During this move I faced leaving behind family and friends that I have worked many years to build solid relationships with. Women of value and strength of character. And a small circle of men I could trust. That’s a very hard thing for a single woman to do. And now, I have left them all. And I’m out of my element here. Every time I turn around it seems I need help. How I hate being needy. That is not a characteristic I want. Ever.
I have lived my life being strong. Courageous. Independent.
I feel bad for my daughter and son-in-law. I’m sure they feel I’m a burden. I don’t ever want to be a burden. To anyone. Ever.
The funny thing is I’ve lived in other places, Texas, Oklahoma, eastern Colorado so moving is not the root of my issues. It is leaving the solid personal foundation I’ve build over my entire lifetime. Striving to be a better person, surrounded by people I loved, in a community that I cared very deeply about.
And now I’m a stranger. On the outside looking in.
That is such an empty feeling.
But like I always say, feelings are fleeting. Mine are no different than the next person’s. My feelings will change. I will be strong again. Someday.
I have no doubt God brought me here. That’s what I’ve clung to through all this. That, and my daughter, son-in-law, and coming Grandchild.
I Will Be Strong Again.
I am a survivor. I will make it through this. And it will happen before that baby arrives. I am determined to be putting roots in the ground again and getting my footing by then. Each day I feel myself growing a bit stronger.
Funny how walking back through all of this with you just now took me right back to my most vulnerable weaknesses. But in writing it, I had to face them. My weaknesses and vulnerabilities. And by doing that, now I see I really am going through this. I’m not stuck! I’m moving through it and am already stronger.
Facing my fears has taken away their strength to control me.
Have any of you ever faced a time of weakness and vulnerability that you would like to share? It might do the same thing for you that it has for me. Looking at our fears takes their power away. Then we can address them rather than continue to run from them.
If you want to share here, in the comments section, that would be great. If you prefer a more personal interaction, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. We can talk there if you prefer.
Thank you and God Bless you!
Thank you Mika. I love you!
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Our mailing address is: Kristi Ross, PO Box 133, Hotchkiss, CO 81419