Responsibility, I Let You Down

Responsibility

Have you ever had a come-upance? That’s where someone calls you on your “stuff” and you have to acknowledge they are right. Then you are faced with either dealing with your “stuff”, or ignoring it.

That happened to me today.

My daughter gave me a come-upance on my blogging during and following the move. Essentially, she said I had shirked my responsibility to be real with my readers during a very difficult time.

She was right.

I have.

I used the excuse of not having internet to not sit down and share what I was going through. Well, that ends right here. And I apologize. I will never leave you out of what is happening ever again. I have a responsibility to be open and honest if you are to ever really trust me.

Time To Tell The Truth

In reality I think I didn’t write because I was struggling so hard trying to keep it together. I couldn’t write. It would have been too painful. I would have actually had to look at my situation rather than just try to survive it.

I was a wreck.

I thought I covered it up pretty well, but I was drowning. I did in two weeks what should have taken me a month. Then every weekend I was driving back trying to finish in two days what should have taken two weeks. I would rush home, work myself literally to tears, and bloody fingers, then drive back to Cortez so I could be at work Monday morning all smiles, cool, calm, and collected. Trying to make a good impression and let them know the job was important to me.

But it was all a front. Inside I was falling totally apart. I didn’t want to seem weak. But in reality I have never been more afraid or weaker. I felt totally lost. Still do. I left every scrap of security I have fought my entire life for, threw it to the wind, jumped in my truck and drove away to live in a rented house, and work for total strangers, at a job I didn’t know if I could do.

Talk about losing your base. I had nothing. And frankly, there are still times where I feel like I will never have the wind back in my sails. And I swear I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just being totally, utterly, honest.

Responsibility to Be Brutally Honest

After writing those previous words, now I know for certain the reason I couldn’t write this before. I’m crying like a baby as I write it, now.  I can only imagine what a wreck I would have been if I would have tried to write it while I was floundering so badly. As I look at it now all I see are “I’s” and I feel like I’m whining. I don’t whine, I don’t complain, I shoulder into whatever the situation is and go do what needs to be done.

Vulnerable isn’t in my vocabulary.

Weak isn’t either.

But in the past three months I’ve been both, many times. Most times.

Heck, I am right now.

I’m as vulnerable as I ever get. I’m spilling my guts to you. Writing my heartache on a sheet of white paper for your review, reflection, and comments. And frankly that terrifies me as well. I know I have to reestablish your trust in me. But I’m terrified I won’t be able to win you back.

If I have no readers, then I truly have nothing to say that really matters.

That is terrifying.

So there you have it.

I have no ideas or suggestions today. No witty words. No novel thoughts. I only have raw, open truth.

Responsibility to Rebuild

During this move I faced leaving behind family and friends that I have worked many years to build solid relationships with. Women of value and strength of character. And a small circle of men I could trust. That’s a very hard thing for a single woman to do. And now, I have left them all. And I’m out of my element here. Every time I turn around it seems I need help. How I hate being needy. That is not a characteristic I want. Ever.

I have lived my life being strong. Courageous. Independent. 

I feel bad for my daughter and son-in-law. I’m sure they feel I’m a burden. I don’t ever want to be a burden. To anyone. Ever. 

The funny thing is I’ve lived in other places, Texas, Oklahoma, eastern Colorado so moving is not the root of my issues. It is leaving the solid personal foundation I’ve build over my entire lifetime. Striving to be a better person, surrounded by people I loved, in a community that I cared very deeply about.

And now I’m a stranger. On the outside looking in.

That is such an empty feeling.

But like I always say, feelings are fleeting. Mine are no different than the next person’s. My feelings will change. I will be strong again. Someday.

I have no doubt God brought me here. That’s what I’ve clung to through all this. That, and my daughter, son-in-law, and coming Grandchild.

I Will Be Strong Again.

I am a survivor. I will make it through this. And it will happen before that baby arrives. I am determined to be putting roots in the ground again and getting my footing by then. Each day I feel myself growing a bit stronger.

Funny how walking back through all of this with you just now took me right back to my most vulnerable weaknesses. But in writing it, I had to face them. My weaknesses and vulnerabilities. And by doing that, now I see I really am going through this. I’m not stuck!  I’m moving through it and am already stronger.

Facing my fears has taken away their strength to control me.

Have any of you ever faced a time of weakness and vulnerability that you would like to share? It might do the same thing for you that it has for me. Looking at our fears takes their power away. Then we can address them rather than continue to run from them. 

If you want to share here, in the comments section, that would be great. If you prefer a more personal interaction, please feel free to email me at kristi@kristiross.com.  We can talk there if you prefer.

Thank you and God Bless you!

Thank you Mika. I love you!

 

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YOU have my heart!

 

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TRUTH

 

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Stepping Into The Light of A New Beginning!

Copyright © 2014 Kristi Ross, All rights reserved.
Our mailing address is:  Kristi Ross, PO Box 133, Hotchkiss, CO 81419

 

 

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Comments

  1. Sherri Mursko-Ochsner April 16, 2014 #

    Someday is today. Don’t wait for it, it will never appear.
    Change, at its best is difficult, and even harder to “embrace”. Challenge your change head on, for every problem there are multiple solutions, go in search of them. The search will give your mind new scenery and strengthen it!
    You are a ROCKIN’ woman, strong, intelligent! Not a victim! It is so easy to fall victim to yourself and others…DO NOT allow it!
    Rock on Sister!

    • Kristi Ross April 16, 2014 #

      Oh Sherri, thank you! It’s odd how just making myself write that has made such a difference. The challenge is no longer larger than life. Now, it is just another challenge. Meant to be met head on. Worked at, worked on, and worked through. Just as I’ve met every other issue in my life. The challenges are what make us stronger and build character. So raise your glass my friend! Here’s to character!
      Thanks Sherri! We will Rock On!

  2. Cris Dunivan April 16, 2014 #

    You know that God put you right where you are right at this time. He will show you why in His time. He will give you those people in your life that will fulfill the needs not to replace those you left behind but to add to them. You won’t believe what a blessing it will be to be close to your grandchild. There are no words to describe the joy you will have surrounding that baby. You just have to be patient. By the way, it isn’t a sign of weakness to make yourself vulnerable to others in telling your struggles. That’s why God gives us “someone with skin on” to be His hands and feet to each other. Just take it one day at a time.

    • Kristi Ross April 17, 2014 #

      Thank you Cris, you are absolutely right! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He put me here. And if He brought me here, He has a reason for me being here. If it is only for that Grand baby, that is reason enough. It’s interesting you mention being patient. That has never been my strong suite, so maybe that is what this is all about!

      And thank you for your encouraging words about being vulnerable. That put is all in perspective for me in those two sentences. Thank you!

      Thank you so much for reading my blog, but even more for commenting here and lifting me up so much!

      God Bless you,
      Kristi

  3. Ranette Karo April 17, 2014 #

    Kristi,

    I know I haven’t known you for that long of a time, but you are one of the neatest people I have ever had the pleasure of having in my life! Reading this broke my heart because looking back, I know the whole time you were dealing with this, you were also there for me and close friends of mine asking what you could do for US! I will never forget how sweet you were during that terrible time! Being strong and independent doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for help sometimes, and I hope you know that we are only a few minutes away and would be glad to help anytime! I can totally understand your fears about just picking up and moving somewhere new, but you’ve picked a good community for a new start and I hope in no time at all you will feel the sense of belonging and security that you left behind! I know I, for one couldn’t be happier that Cortez, CO is where you landed! 🙂

    • Kristi Ross April 17, 2014 #

      Well Ranette, there you did it! I’m crying like a baby! A mere thank you cannot begin to express the emotions racing around in my heart right now! But Thank You!

      I can’t even see the keys to type. Give me a minute . . .

      Now I’m so touched I can’t form words . . .

      Ok. Better now.

      Thank you Ranette. But my difficulties were only temporary, and fear based. Your situation is a vast cavern of unimaginable loss and cruel reality. You all needed, and continue to need, far more than the rest of us, God willing, will ever need. But thank you. I’m humbled and honored.

      And Ranette, thank you, with your comment, you just made me feel more welcome than I ever thought I might.

      This community is incredible. In my short time here I’ve seen more love, strength of character, compassion, caring, generosity, dedication, and depth than I’ve ever witnessed. You all blow me away.

      Now that I have faced my fears and issues, my eyes are less clouded by emotion, and I am growing more thankful everyday for God bringing me here. And after your comment, I’m pretty sure I can feel the seeds of belonging and security starting to firmly take root. I’m honored to have you in my life! And I’m thrilled to have landed in this amazing community.

      From my heart,
      Kristi

  4. Mika April 17, 2014 #

    And this is why I confronted mom about being vegue about her troubles and emotions about her move. Because I knew people would open up and make new connections with one another. But, better than I could of imagined a new friendship was created. Thank you Ranette, that ment a lot to me what all you said, as I am sure it did mom as well! It is a great community to be a part of. And I am sure you, mom, will meet many new inspiring, empowering women and trustworthy men.
    I too know there are many reasons that God moved you down here. Your soon to be grandbaby is the obvious, but the reason that is in my forfront is our relationship. As you know it has been rocky sometimes, but I feel like it is about to change into something new and beautiful. I think God brought lark down here for a very important role in that growth as well. And I am very thankful for that.
    If anybody else has any personal strife, issues, or times of growth please feel free to share. I shared mine and it wasnt too bad so you can do it too!

  5. Mika April 17, 2014 #

    Ok that’s funny obviously while I was drying my eyes and posting, mom was doing the exact same thing. I felt like your roots were being planted more as well. See what happens when you write something real and honest! 🙂

    • Kristi April 17, 2014 #

      Mika, I am speechless. And yet again can’t see the keys to type.

      OK better again.

      Thank you Mika for holding me accountable. Not only to myself, to us and our relationship, but also the amazing people I have in my life that trust me enough to share their thoughts, hurts, concerns, and joys. And who value me for who I really am. A vulnerable, blubbering mess at the moment! But also a woman who is finally able to be honest about life and all it throws at us.

      You were so right! And you spoke to the real reason I write. Not for myself, but for the women and men brave enough to join me on this adventure. Thank you Mika! I love you!

  6. Ranette Karo April 17, 2014 #

    I meant every single word! Love the way that God works and has placed both of you in my (and my family’s) life!

    • Kristi April 17, 2014 #

      Wow Ranette, you got me right in the heart again! I, we obviously feel the exact same way! I’m so glad God brought us All together! And to think it all started for the love of a horse! I, we are so blessed!

      {{{Hugs}}}

  7. Willa April 17, 2014 #

    Oh Kristi, I love you! I love your openness, your honesty, your vulnerability yet your strength and independence. I have also valued all of the above – except being vulnerable. I have run and continue to run from that one. I guess maybe it’s time to stop! I belong to a prayer group where we ask for prayer and share one anothers’ burdens. What I have found is I ask for prayer for people in my life but not for myself. There are parts of me that I don’t want to share, that I am afraid to entrust to others. Especially the part that relates to my business and my feelings about how inadequate I feel about doing it. I will try to – no I WILL – change that. At our February Women’s Retreat, I randomly received this card. The front said “A Friend is a gift you give yourself.” Inside it said “A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile!” The reason I say “random” is it was in a white envelop on the chair I chose to sit on just like every other chair in the room. But nothing is by accident or coincidence with God. He orchestrated it. He chose that particular card – each one was different – for me for such a time as this. Just as He orchestrated you in my life. Thank you for being vulnerable. And showing me how too.

    • Kristi April 17, 2014 #

      Oh my goodness Willa! I guess once the “waterworks” turn on they are just gonna keep rolling! And yet again I’m speechless!

      Willa, I love you and have such respect for you. And I’m so touched by your comments I can’t even begin to explain. And I am so humbled with how our loving God works. Isn’t He something? ! ? ! Obviously I can relate to how hard it is to open yourself up and bare your very heart and soul to others. But we can both already see how incredible the response and results can be. I know how strong you are and I know you can do this too!

      I’m anxious to hear what the Lord does in your life as we learn how to do this! Together!

      Love you!
      Kristi

  8. Lou April 18, 2014 #

    God bless you Kristi. You inspire me to be a better man.
    Lou

    • Kristi Ross April 19, 2014 #

      Oh Lou, I’m sorry, I didn’t see this comment until today. Thank you! I’m humbled, and honored! What an amazing thing to hear. But you know it isn’t me that inspires you, It’s God! I’m just His pen! But still, thank you!
      God Bless you my friend!
      Kristi

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